So, I'm finding it really amusing that in the midst of one of the most ridiculously hectic weeks (who am I kidding? most are like this!), I started a blog and called it "Keeping A Quiet Heart." Ha! Maybe it was just wishful thinking. See, I'm actually pretty terrible at keeping a quiet heart, which is probably why Elisabeth Elliot's books speak to me so clearly.
My life is noisy. Like crazy, out-of-control, bang-your-head-on-a-wall noisy. I'd invest in a super-mega-pack of earplugs (gotta love Sam's Club!) but see, a great amount of all of that noise comes from inside me. Yes, I live in a house with three messy, dirty, stinky little boys - oh wait, one of them is big. :) Yes, I keep a hectic schedule and tend to invite busyness into my life. But really, I can do something about (probably) more than half of the noise I'm talking about.
This week was nuts. Most weeks are, but this one seemed particularly stressful. Grad school is just dragging me around the block this week. I had a major project due on Wednesday, and two papers and quiz are due tomorrow. The boys got sick, and then (probably because I let myself stress out) I caught a cold. And the diapers are running out - we have like ten left - so I've been rationing those the past two days.
Those of you who know me well, know I have a terrible time hiding my emotions. They usually just hang out there on my sleeve, broadcasting themselves for everyone to see, interpret, and judge as they like. Couple this tendency with pregnancy and well, it's just a losing battle. This drives me nuts. So, in the midst of my crazy week, I didn't do a great job of keeping a quiet heart. In fact, I think I probably kind of let my heart scream at a few people.
I remember that season of life toward the end of college when I was growing so much in my faith. Snippets of breakthroughs and hard convictions of faith are still very vivid in my memory. I also remember that I used to choose tiny little things to "work on" in my faith life. I'd purpose to complain less, no matter the circumstances, for an entire week. And then another, and another. Before I knew it, I was changed. Of course, it's so easy to slip back into old habits, and I often have. But see, the thing about me is that I'm stubborn, and I want to try again anyway. And the thing about God's grace is that it is given freely, no matter how many times we slip back into old habits, and no matter how many times we lose control of our hearts and let them scream at people (and ourselves).
Since there are only two posts on my blog, and since I'm still working out little kinks and adding things to the page, etc., I've found myself reading that excerpt from Keep A Quiet Heart alot. I originally wrote (copied) all of that to encourage some friends who were going through a difficult struggle. As is so often the case, God used those words to work on me, as well. And each time I read them, I'm moved to try again. Even during crazy, out-of-control, bang-your-head-on-a-wall noisy weeks.