"Not Me!" Vacation

VACATION EDITION

Ah, yes. The "Not Me!" excitement definitely continued as we traveled down to Texas to visit my parents, and then north to Cape Cod for our family vacation with Kyler's grandparents. Please do not be fooled into thinking that over the past few weeks these were the only moments worth recording. Au contraire, my friends! After all, if it was in fact my children who generated the fodder for this post, (and how can I top that one, really?!) in only one week, surely you can imagine what an entire month's worth of traveling excitement produced.

So, although it's long, consider this the Cliff's Notes version...and enjoy!

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In Texas...

I had my mom's help, so with the extra pair of hands, eyes, and her extra-vigilant-grandmother-and-kindergarten-teacher-for-30-years-with-a-vast-knowledge-of-everything-early-childhood, I redoubled my efforts and determination to get Kayden potty trained. So, it certainly wasn't me who took full advantage of the "will-potty-for-stickers-and-Curious-George" phenomenon. Yes, we tried this at home. It was an epic failure. (And it wasn't me who became quite annoyed that this method worked for my mother and not me...)

See, apparently it is a well-known fact that Omie's stickers and Curious George fruit snacks have magic powers that Mommy's stickers and fruit snacks certainly don't possess. Who knew?

Anyway, potty training was moving along. So it wasn't me who was lounging in front of HGTV (we don't have TV - at all - and for the record, it definitely wasn't me who was a total couch potato in front of my parents' cable many evenings...) when I heard Kayden talking in the downstairs bathroom: "Oh no...it's everywhere! Moooooommmmmyyyyy, I have to pooooooppyyyy!" Yep. Bless his heart. He tried to make it to the bathroom on time to poop. He tried to get his pants and pull-up down on his own, despite the fact that they were full of poop. He didn't and got it everywhere. The hallway, the bathroom, the outside of the toilet, up and down his legs....

It wasn't me who had to call my parents' sports medicine trainer neighbor over at 10pm one night because Cam busted his chin wide open on the side of the bathtub. Thankfully, the profuse bleeding stopped after ten minutes, and we managed to hold him down long enough to get a butterfly bandage on it. Surely, he didn't rip it off in his sleep two hours later...

The kids and I went out for dinner one night with my grandparents after my Dad got home from the hospital. When dinner was over, I took Kayden to the restroom. After he was finished, I took a turn. I'm quite sure most of the kitchen staff and those in the immediate vicinity of the bathroom heard my sweet son clapping and cheering in his most exuberant loud voice, "Yay for Mommy! You went PEE PEE in the POTTY!!! Good job!!!"

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Traveling...

If you read my blog fairly regularly, you know that for both flights (down to Texas and up to Cape Cod), I did the very-pregnant-woman-traveling-alone-with-two-toddlers-two-car-seats-two-carry-ons-and-a-whole-bunch-of-other-junk thing. From Texas, we flew to Providence, RI, where Kyler picked us up after driving from home. Then, we all continued on to Cape Cod to his grandparents' house for our family vacation. Our flight was two segments: three hours to Orlando, FL, and another three hours to Providence. Positives: no changing planes, so I didn't have to lug all of our stuff and my children off of the plane and across the airport to another gate for the second flight. Negatives: no changing planes, so no deboarding from 10am when our first flight left, until 5pm when our second flight landed. That's an eternity for two toddlers (and their pregnant mother!) So....

In between flights while the flight attendants were cleaning the cabin, we made a break for the airplane bathroom. I made sure Cam was preoccupied with safety instructions booklets, tray tables, and the window in the last row of the plane while I sat Kayden on the plane toilet. Then I quickly turned around to double check that Cam hadn't deboarded or made a break for the emergency hatch. He hadn't. When I returned the three steps to the bathroom, it wasn't me that discovered Kayden's pull-up (and Kayden's.....errr.....ahem....) were angled in such a way that his stream of urine had masterfully cascaded all over the airplane bathroom and pooled on the floor, rather than into the convenient receptacle for which urine is intended. Nope. In my life, such things do not happen.

Did I mention Kayden was barefoot? Oh, YES, he was.

See, when I got down to the airplane bathroom with both children and discovered (errr....remembered...) Kayden was barefoot, I was not lazy and opted instead to lift him up onto the toilet rather than going back for his shoes. I'm never lazy. Especially not when I'm pregnant.

So, after I cleaned Kayden up and "mopped" up the bathroom (while continuously monitoring both children), I had to take a turn. Now, at least I had the presence of mind to realize I should not leave both of my children unsupervised while I closed the bathroom door, so I grabbed Cameron and took him with me. Please imagine with me for a moment: very pregnant woman, very squirmy, wiggly, 30lb. almost-two-year-old in her arms, incredibly small airplane bathroom with door closed, and said pregnant woman trying to negotiate maternity pants with one hand, use the bathroom, and return clothing to a respectable state before leaving the bathroom....

Are you rolling on the floor laughing yet? Seriously. This is not my life!

Which is why I thought the security guard/airport personnel/man surely wasn't glaring at me when we finally walked through the little exit doorway to baggage claim at the Providence airport. See, on his way up to Providence, Kyler hit some really nasty construction traffic outside of NYC, and was around 1.5 hours late. I waited with my two incredibly patient toddlers to deboard until the very last, mind you, so the crew could see to the needs of all of the handicapped people on the plane. (There were quite a lot, as I think at least half of Orlando's elderly and retirement community were returning to their summer homes in New England and chose the same flight we were on...)

Anyway, the flight crew helped us off of the plane with the car seats, and then seeing I would need help to baggage claim, provided me with a wheelchair for the car seats and carry-ons. So, with the car seats balanced precariously on the wheelchair, the carry-ons on top of those, Cameron on my hip, and Kayden "helping" me push the chair (one-handed), we continued up the jet bridge and across the airport to a restaurant area to kill some time until Kyler arrived.

After entertaining the boys (who remember, had been traveling for six hours at this point) for nearly two more hours, we loaded up again and struggled towards baggage claim. It was then, while I was trying desperately to hang onto Cameron (30 lbs, remember?), maintain control of the wheelchair loaded down with car seats, and waddle my pregnant self just a little further to the elevator where (hopefully) at the bottom I'd find my big, strong husband who could take over from there, that I noticed the security guard/airport personnel man off to the side.

He really was glaring at me.

I locked eyes with him and managed a smile. And I'm pretty sure my ears must have been deceiving me when I heard him say,

"You know, you should NOT be using that. Those are only for people who really need the help."

I quickly deduced that he was referring to the wheelchair. Now, please don't get me wrong. I respect the needs of handicapped people and in fact get quite annoyed when people abuse or ignore those needs. Example: I hate it when I see someone park in a handicapped spot at the grocery store, with a handicapped sticker, and then hop out of the car and skip right on into the store, etc. So....I get that I was I person without a handicap, using a wheelchair to push my things.

However...."For people who really need the help."

?!?!?!?!?!?!

I also deduced that he was BLIND...errr...mean, tired, and grumpy from working all day. So, I kindly apologized if I'd offended him, and let him know that the flight crew had provided me with the wheelchair for our things.

"Well, they don't know anything. Those are only for people who need help."

Keep in mind that it wasn't me who was grateful I was so encumbered (although clearly not in need of help...) that I was incapable of smacking the man. Meany. Poo on him.

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On Cape Cod...

I am considerate of my husband's every need, and always put his needs before my own, as any good wife should without fail. So I certainly wasn't me who took complete and total advantage of Kyler's sacrificial willingness to get up with the boys, and slept in until 9 or 10 (or 11) am nearly every day of our vacation.

And clearly, it wasn't my darling children who lost any and all control of their sphincter muscles at the most inopportune times throughout our stay on the Cape. It was someone else's younger child who on several different occasions, urinated on the bath mat, the bathroom floor, and the bedroom floor (twice). And it wasn't his older brother who did the same on Grammy's nice, crisp and clean, white couch. Both of them. On the backrest. You know, the part you can't take the slipcover off of and wash.

Not ME!

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So how did your week go? I'd love to hear about all of the things you didn't do this week! Scroll down and click on the comment link to leave a note.

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"Not Me!" Monday is an incredibly fun, blogging carnival started by MckMama on her blog, my charming kids. Basically, it's where we all can be brutally honest about the ridiculous things that will inevitably happen in everyday life.