"Not Me!" Monday

 

Welcome! Are you feeling guilty for being too exhausted to fold the laundry on your master bed, so you just slept under it? Wondering if your in-laws noticed the death stare you gave their son across the dinner table? Beating yourself up over letting "Handy Manny" babysit your children? "Not Me!" Monday was written just for you. It frees me up to admit my many imperfections and vent about the absolutely ridiculous things that are my everyday. Enjoy at my expense, and join in the fun by commenting below!

*********************************************

This week, we made a mad dash for the grocery store. However...it wasn't me who buckled my infant into his car seat despite his loud screaming. He did not scream all the way to the grocery store, twenty minutes away. When we arrived at the grocery store, I did not realize that I had left my credit card at home. While driving back home, I did not hear: "Mommy, Callan spit up, and it went eeevveryyywheeere!!!" I did not reach back to retrieve Cal's pacifier to find (rather, feel) that yes, he in fact did, and yes, it in fact had. Reeling from the smell, I did not spontaneously pull into our church parking lot (where my husband works), call him out to help me, strip the vomit covered baby on a blanket on the car trunk, place him back in the soiled car seat, commandeer my husband's credit card...and head to the grocery store anyway. 

Have I shared my new laundry secret yet? Boy, you're going to want to write this one down. It's simple. Just throw your kids' jeans in the washer with a normal amount of detergent. Wash. When the cycle is done, remove clothes from the washer, along with handfuls of dandelions that have fallen out of the pockets that you didn't check. Throw clothes in the dryer, dry, and voila! Natural, clean, crisp scent. At least, this is what I hear. I haven't actually tried this myself.

Cam crawled into my lap for a story the other day. When we were finished reading, he hopped off of my lap and discovered a freckle on my leg. Deeply concerned, he pointed and mumbled, "Uh-oh. I poo-pooed right there??" Not my son!

Last week, I did not come nose to nose with a stink bug who was chillin' out on the rim of my glass of water. That is, if stink bugs have noses. Maybe it was his eyelashes. Anyway. It wasn't a problem. I did not scream like a little girl when I discovered him there.

We made our usual journey outdoors for some much needed playtime last week. As I sat on a blanket nursing Callan, the big boys had free reign of the yard, leaving no stone unturned and no stick untouched. They were busy, and we were all happy. It came as no surprise that Cam headed back to the closest horseshoe pit, his makeshift sandbox and source of continuous joy over the past few sunny weeks. And there he played happily for nearly fifteen minutes. After awhile, his brother joined him, but quickly reported to me that he needed to wash his hands. Soaking up the glorious sun and enjoying the rarity of screech-and-skirmish-free playtime, I didn't think twice. Or three times when he asked again five minutes later. After a third request, we all headed in. But it wasn't me who remained clueless until I was assisting with the boys' shoes and the smell bowled me over like a combine in a corn field.

Why, NO....my boys were in fact not covered in the feces of some unidentified animal. Not my kids!

I did not carry them by the scruff of their shirts all the way to the bathroom, not unlike a mother cat with her young. Well, excepting the in the mouth part. And while the boys were in the bathtub, I in fact did not send my husband this text message: "Cam plays in sand. Sand has poop. Cam gets poop on hands, pants, hair, socks, and shoes. Mom cleans Cam and clothes, Dad cleans shoes." Nope. Not me!

These days, I keep a Boppy in the car. I find it difficult to get out and about with the boys in the increasingly narrow window in between napping, snacking, and nursing schedules. So, while out running errands one day, I decided we'd take a break in the car, and all snack at once. Keep in mind, I am a multi-tasking master. So when I attempted to fill the boys' sippy cups with apple juice and water while simultaneously nursing the baby, it was a breeze. I did not instead spill apple juice all over my nursing infant. Nope. Not me!

One evening, after a particularly trying day home with the kids, I did not become so frustrated with the seriously inconvenient bathroom habits of my dear husband that I actually sat down and googled, "Why does it take men so long to poop??" Nope. Not me. (By the way, search results here. You know you're curious.)

Cal was up until 3am Saturday night, generally restless and uncomfortable. After sleeping through two alarms eeearrrlly Sunday morning, I did not hastily throw on some clothes and rush out the door to worship team practice. On the way in car, I grappled through my purse for some gum. Yep, my new purse that my mom bought me a mere month ago, after having the same ratty old one for nearly a decade. The one I keep impeccably organized, ready for any minor family catastrophe. I did eventually find the gum; however, this was not after I found a rather large mushy puddle of Beech Nut butternut squash baby food swimming around in the bottom. Nope. Not me!

So, if you've discovered before today that (after a short hiatus) I have once again started blogging fairly regularly, you may have taken part in a silly little bloggy mystery this past weekend. Have you guessed what we were up to yet? Here's a recap:

There were baskets of candles, and shoes,

pens, bowls, basketballs, and coffee percolators.

There were frisbees, clothing, and jumper cables,

tablecloths, hangers, books, and Bibles. 

And believe it or not, there were a pair of wrought iron candle stands.

It was so exhausting, we stopped for several juice and snack breaks. 

Callan snoozed in a stroller nearby.

We were even joined briefly by a ferocious T-Rex.

What were we doing? 

Only two of you guessed it, although I suspect many more of you 

won't even be surprised.

We weren't attending, preparing for, or having a yard sale. Cleaning out my in-laws' garage? Nope. Getting ready to move? Nah. Purging the teen ministry closets at church? Wrong again. All good guesses. But we weren't doing any of those things. Rest assured though, we most certainly were not...

...cleaning out my husband's car.

Seriously. 

How could all of that junk possibly fit into one four-door sedan? 

It couldn't. No way, no how. 

In the words of one of my favorite fairy tale villains: "Inconceivable!"

Besides, if all that junk were really all crammed into one of our cars, 

 I certainly wouldn't admit it on my blog for all the world to know.

Nope. Not me!!

*********************************************

"Not Me!" Monday is an incredibly fun blogging carnival started by MckMama. In a nutshell, it's where we all can be open about the ridiculous things that happen in our everyday lives. Head on over to her blog, where you can read heaps of other great "Not Me!" stories. Or, join in the "Not Me!" fun and leave a comment about all of the things you didn't do this week!