"Not Me!" Monday

Welcome! Are you feeling embarrassed this week for allowing your children to eat their fill of animal crackers for breakfast? Or maybe you continuously forgot to mail a baby gift to a friend...for three solid months? Perhaps you're just dying to reveal your utter disgust at your son's inexplicable urge to stand and pee on his brother in the midst of a bath. No worries! "Not Me!" Monday was written just for you. It frees me up to admit my many imperfections, and vent about the absolutely ridiculous things that are my everyday. Enjoy at my expense, and join in the fun by commenting below!

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I do not have so much material for "Not Me!" Monday this week, that I will likely use some of it for a second "While You Were Nursing" post, and still have plenty leftover for next week. Oh well. Off we go!

One night this week, I did not turn back to the dinner table from doing dishes to find my darling two-year-old knifing large quantities of butter out of the tub, onto his (very small sliver of) bread, and into his mouth. Not my child!

I do not try and carry too many things at once, just to save myself trips. I also am not trying desperately to wean myself off of caffeine (albeit small amounts) in the form of soda...and failing miserably. So it wasn't me who, out of desperation and reeling with a headache from caffeine withdrawal, dug out a Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper left over from when my mom was here before Callan was born, and carried it over to the computer desk where I intended to enjoy it. I did not then turn around with baby and nursing pillow in hand, knocking the just opened can over onto the floor, staining the carpet a faint brown-red. Seriously, it couldn't have been me. I don't even like diet cherry sodas. These large-amounts-of-Dr.-Pepper-spilling-while-I'm- dealing-with-a-small-infant events are turning into a pattern, however...

Kyler's grandmother came to visit us this week! We were glad to get to see her for a short visit. Rest assured though, it was not a complete and total surprise when she showed up. And Cameron had not unlocked the door earlier that morning without my knowing. I did not not hear her knock, and she didn't walk right in. I wasn't preparing for trash day, so there were not several bags of trash - mostly diapers - sitting in our entryway. I certainly was not walking around bra-less in an old t-shirt and pajama pants...at 1pm. My house was not a total disaster, and there were not dirty breakfast dishes still out on the kitchen table.  I did not have to clear a path to the couch by kicking toys, small cardboard boxes and stuffed animals out of the way so she wouldn't trip on them.

And I definitely was not a completely mortified, very embarrassed mess. Not me!

I keep my kids on a strict, errr...fairly consistent but flexible routine. So it wasn't me who had put off grocery shopping for so long because of rainy days that I had to take the kids to the store at 7pm on one of Kyler's long nights (if we wanted to eat). We certainly didn't get home after 8:30pm, have dinner at 9pm, and fail to get into bed until after 10pm. Not in my house!

And so we're clear, I did not put a Pull-Up on Kayden just because I couldn't stand the thought of dealing with an accident during this trip. Nope.

This mother models good habits and behaviors to my children, like, all the time. So it was not me, the wife who frequently chastises her husband for drinking directly out of juice containers, who finished off the jug of apple juice at lunchtime, in front of my children. And it definitely wasn't just because I didn't want a single, solitary thing more to wash. Not me!

My children always take my washing schedule and convenience into consideration when soiling their clothing and linens. Pssh! Like I have a washing schedule! Ha! And pssh! Like my boys consider anything when soiling anything! Double Ha! Must've been those little gnomes from this post who soaked both of my kids' bedsheets, pillowcases, "waterproof" pads, and mattress protectors the day after I laundered them. Not my kids!

Seriously though. You think the laundry detergent is causing an involuntary urinating reflex? Couldn't be the sheer shock of clean sheets. Like I hadn't gotten around to them for a few weeks with the new baby around or something. Noooo. Not me!

Oh, and another thing about those bedsheets. It definitely wasn't this mother who was so exhausted from a night with a restless infant that I just dumped both sets of sheets into the wash together. Kayden's favorite white sheets with baseballs and bats all over them, and the burgundy sheets on Cam's bed. In the wash. Together. On warm. This may or may not have turned the baseball sheets pink. A very light shade of pink. But still pink. Barely noticeable! Ahem. Okay, not really.  

But it wasn't me. 

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"Not Me!" Monday is an incredibly fun, blogging carnival started by MckMama. In a nutshell, it's where we all can be open about the ridiculous things that happen in our lives. Join in the "Not Me!" fun and leave a comment about all of the things you didn't do this week!